Letting Change Happen
I feel like I’ve lost a lot of momentum lately, like I’m half the person I was a few weeks ago. My spiritual mojo is shot lately. My will to do things is there, but the energy and time is not.
It troubled me and I meditated on it a bit while feeding my son, Noah this morning. I’ve been irritable, prone to angry outbursts and saying things that I don’t mean. In all honesty, I’ve thought several times recently whether this was all worth it. I realize my honesty will open me up to criticism, but this is my public sounding board so I accept it.
I felt like the children were taking up too much time and energy (all of it), and my day job of managing large-scale projects was draining my reserves. My ego-driven psycho-babble self was feeling resentful that I’ve had to give up a great many enjoyable tasks (music, writing, exercise etc.) already.
As a general rule, I don't want to become another example of a generation living only to support the next generation and so I felt threatened when my dreams were put on hold yet again.
I’m not proud of any of this. I’m far from being a perfect person, and while I feel a little better admitting this, I still need to address it and fix it (i.e. get the Ego to take a back seat).
So as I sat with Noah, feeding him, staring at his big, beautiful eyes, admitting my imperfections and vowing for the one hundredth time that I would do better, I figured out what's been happening.
My brain doesn't know what to do with all of this yet.
It's all new, all the sensations, the stress, the belief that every triplet's cry is a screeching firedrill, that the success of a work project rests solely on my shoulders. It's blowing out my comfort zone and until my brain can burn the new neural pathways to handle this, I have to admit that I will keep making mistakes, that I will continue to be an irritable, pathetic mess, and that my wife and children are saints for putting up with me.
This is why I haven't the energy to write more than a few scattered words, to embrace the challenges at work with continuity, to handle the stresses of screaming babies with grace and patience.
It's times like these when you have to stop forcing it.
Let the brain build the neural pathways so that new actions and new habits can be ingrained.
Absorbing and regurgitating self-help books at lightening speed is like taking a sip from a fire hose. Your brain adapts at its own speed and despite what the Law of Attraction proponents say otherwise, it may take you longer to adapt than it would the next person. It make take a lot longer to adapt than you can process information.
That's okay.
I'm realizing that it's not a race between me and "X blogger" to see who can put out a book or who can get to 5,000 subscribers first.
You should be focusing on creating the best "you," not a poor facsimile of someone else.
It's in these moments I am reminded of the wisdom of detachment, in passively viewing as you let your life unfold naturally rather than forcing every particular technique and life hack (no disrespect to lifehack.org, I am a fan) into your routine. You may seek success, but take the time to understand, apply, and integrate the new thoughts and processes. Don't just jump onto the next great thing.
So, for me, that means slowing down a bit, letting the new habits of parenthood burn their pathways into my brain first, since they are the most important. Then from there, evaluate to see if I am ready for the next area of growth, whatever that may be.
I've spoken about slowing down several times lately, but the Ego keeps creeping in to try to push me to the next level. While I would love to be a full time blogger/writer so that I can stay home and be a better parent/husband to my kids and wife, I need to focus first on the be the better parent/husband part, then worry about the other goals later…and most importantly, I need to be okay with that decision…and that's the hardest part.
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Comments on Letting Change Happen
10:40 am
Charley, firstly good on you for owning up to your feelings and declaring them to the world. No one is going to judge you for that!
Most people I know would be in awe of all that you are doing and that you are still able to smile and stay sane after all the demanding challenges you and your wife have gone through over the last few months.
I know that I for one would have probably given up by now!
You have hit on the nail – focus first on yourself and being a good parent / husband and the rest will come gradually if not rapidly.
Focus on the best "you" and maybe that means you just take a back seat, do the minimum you can outside of your family and chill out!
And it is okay to make "mistakes" – you are human after all:-)
6:05 am
Well who would ever think you were a spiritual growing human being? *smile* You are so in tune with yourself you do not even realize it and that is a beautiful thing. For if you had no idea who you are, you would then be unable to write of such states (and by the way parenting in any form brings about all kinds of changes)
The only person you have to be OK with is yourself, first and foremost, you know this. The present. Zen, Charley. Our perspective, our focus, what we make of our own reality, that is where the ego jumps in, the agitation, regret, stress. You are gifted in this world because you SEE.
I do not ever see anything as a mistake or a failure – I see life as a whole as great experience and growth. Nobody is better than the other, not one of us are perfect and we strive to be whole in the eyes of the greater controlling forces of this Universe for a far greater purpose than what is right here on Earth.
Focus is self, spirit, wholeness, wellness, peace of heart then peace of mind. To much thinking is not always a good thing, just being is where it is at and nobody but you needs to answer to you. That simple.
As for this life here, human existence, well yes it is a tough one at times. However courage is your best friend. Faith in oneself and a higher power and truth with oneself. And no, it is not selfish or egotistical to want oneself to feel good, right minded, right spirited and whole, that is what we should be doing first, however, we often go backwards, society, upbringing and whatnot. All the other stuff, is just that, stuff. Inside, there must be balance and that balance is a sliding scale spectrum. Dependent upon our experience.
There is no race Charley there is only right now, this moment you read this, flux. Constant. Just do what is best for self. We are often taught that is selfish, but it is far from it. It is healthy. So the better parent, better husband, better employee, better writer (whatever it is) those are needs of others, from within – that's where the peace is. Like anything, easier to say then apply, but once that is applied gosh, humans, thought process, life – seems very silly for there are far greater things in this world and other worlds for us all.
We create our own reality. It is that simple.
I will leave you with this:
I picked this book up today on Zen Meditation (zazun) and look:
There is a paragraph speaking about seeing the eye of God as a child and losing that sight and then goes into this:
"Not until years later, does an instinct come that a vital sense of mystery has been withdrawn. The sun glints through the pines, and the heart is pierced in a moment of beauty and strange pain, like a memory of paradise. After that day, there is no beauty without pain, and at the bottom of each breath, there is a hollow place that is filled with longing. That day we become seekers without knowing that we seek, and at first, we long for something "greater" than ourselves, something far away. It is not a return to childhood, for childhood is not a truly enlightened state, yet to seek one' s own true nature is, as one Zen master has said: a way to lead you to your long-lost home.
Be Good To Self,
Peace,
Sue
2:47 pm
"I’ve been irritable, prone to angry outbursts and saying things that I don’t mean. In all honesty, I’ve thought several times recently whether this was all worth it. I realize my honesty will open me up to criticism, but this is my public sounding board so I accept it."
I admire your honesty, Charley. You're probably feeling overwhelmed and exhausted because you probably are overwhelmed and exhausted. At least two good things will happen, but not overnight. The first is that your brain will adjust to the reality of having three babies at home who need lots of care. The second is that it will get easier as the babies get a bit older.
(True the challenges will change, too, but on the whole it will be an easier task to be a parent to the babies as they mature a bit and as you get some on-the-job experience.) For now, it sounds as if you're doing the right thing. Kudos to you!
2:54 am
Like Charlie, I put my dreams on hold. I sacrificed for my family. Feel free to forward my words to him.
I read this again. Charlie should know he's not alone. A great many people share the same struggles. I encourage Charlie to continue his meditation, even if it's only for a few minutes each day. But he needs a private area for this, one that is free from interruptions. Charlie does not need to choose between his family and hobbies. He can have both. The challenge is balancing the two and setting goals with a realistic timeframe. It's about taking one day at a time. One goal at a time. And with each goal, one step at a time.
10:03 pm
Charley,
I amazed that you still have time and energy to form coherent thoughts and share them with us. I admire you tremendously for all that you're doing. Personally, I admire you for being honest and sharing your feelings.
Cheers,
Lori