You Are Perfect Now

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There's a terrific post up over at Illuminated Mind that's inspiring this article laid out before you.  While I don't always agree with the author, Jonathan Mead, the fact is that he nearly always stirs an emotion in me and that's what makes brilliant and effective writing. 

In his article, The Number One Self-Development Mistake, And the Fake Growth Addict, I saw much of myself in both the positive AND negative pictures he was working to paint. 

I am that seeker of knowledge who, for the last twenty years of my life (damn, I'm getting old) I have been pour through book after book of "esoteric" knowledge to try and "fix" me.  But "fix" implies that I'm broken, that there's something seriously wrong with me, and that I'm unhappy with my current state.

This is sad, really sad.

I have a dream life by many standards.  I have a terrific, well-paying job in a shytacular economy, I own several rental properties, have no consumer debt otherwise, have a beautiful wife and three beautiful, young babies.  I have some talent and aptitude for writing and making music and I get true joy out of sharing this with the world.

Yet somehow I feel like I'm still broken, that I need to be fixed. 

In this way, I am Jonathan's prototypical Fake Growth Addict.

I was trying to cure an invisible illness: my perceived inadequacy.

That inadequacy is a myth driven by the ego, and has nothing to do with real growth.

Yeah, that's me.  I've read enough books on spirituality to logically understand the concept that we are already whole and complete beings.  While the ego leads to some fun and rewarding pursuits, it really is hollow and we need to realize that.  Happiness is not found in the pursuit of a worthy goal.  Happiness just "is."  It is a state that you can decide to be in, just as you elect to be angry, sad, or otherwise. 

Jonathan's list of his own brushes with fake growth are what really resonated with me and wanted me to write an article "publicly" announcing my own foolish pursuits of personal growth:

• The pursuit of learning to be an early riser.  I hate the early morning, but it's a rite of passage for the self help industry.  You should hear me when I have to get up for the 4am feedings of the babies.  I'm positively grouchy and I hate every minute of it.  If I didn't have to do it for the babies, I wouldn't.  I'd much rather stay up late into the wee hours of the morning to get my writing done in solitude. 
• Reading a book just because other's claim the author is brilliant and life-changing.  I really hated reading Eckhart Tolle, Wayne Dyer and especially Deepak Chopra.  I find their style of writing unbearable, yet they are all brilliant men with a brilliant message, but I have never, and will likely never, finish a book of theirs.  I haven't the patience to force my way thru to the message.  I'd much rather read Paulo Coelho.  Even on the fiction side, my reading sessions were quite brief of the Pulitzer Prize winning book, "The Brief, Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao."  Another blogger I highly respect recommended the book but it's page after page of drivel about some poor, overweight kid trying to get laid.  I abandoned it after 70 pages.  Maybe this makes me an idiot; so be it.  Let me revel in the perfection that is my idiocy.
• I actually feel like I've been conned by the number of times I've bought music that was highly recommended to expand my horizons, and then got nothing out of it except anger and regret from wasting another $15 on a useless piece of plastic.  I used to feel stupid because I didn't "get it."
• I've tried to go Vegan a few times in my adulthood but man, I really like chicken wings.  I live in Buffalo after all.  I'm not adverse to trying again in the future, but I will hopefully come to it knowing that if I "fall off the wagon" that doesn't mean I'm a failure.
• Etc., Etc., Etc.

This is where self-improvement becomes detrimental, particularly when you're working from an Ego-centric model.  For each of those examples above, I felt like a failure when I was unable to complete or sustain the effort.  This inevitably made me feel worse than before I had the idea to try the pursuit or read the book.  To combat that failure feeling, I would then rush out to find the next quick fix for my broken self.

I've had numerous false starts lately in my 100 Item Challenge and also in finishing up my book.  These are not true failures.  They are experiments, and if I fail to follow through each time, so be it.  I may eventually find that the endeavor is not worth it.

I've heard it said numerous times that the way to ingrain a habit is to practice it for a few weeks straight.  Well, I've done this before numerous times, and then fallen off the wagon some months later.  So be it.  Maybe the motivation to really do that "thing" wasn't strong enough.  Maybe I was only doing that thing because I thought that's what an enlightenment person would do.  It's more enlightening to realize that this might not be true. 

So what's the answer?

If I'm able to recognize when I am being ego-centric in my self-development, then I can often divest myself of the feelings of inadequacy.  It is better to approach life as a human, being; meaning that I am a spiritual being who's chosen to manifest as a human, experiencing and being all that I can reasonably experience.  I'm here to learn, and that may mean learning by failure.  I'm here to share my gifts and to experience other people's gifts.  There is no true failure in this pursuit except for not "being," not trying.